Sunday, June 7, 2015

To Live Through Another Breath

I've been dissecting a phrase for a long time, when suddenly I realized, that maybe it's a lot easier of an answer than I'm making it. I was asked a lot early on when I was really sick, if I missed my old self, and I thought, "What? My old self? I'm right here?"  It was like I couldn't understand what they were asking me, but now that I've been "sick" for a long time, I'm realizing what they meant by that and my answer is YES, I do miss my old self. The self that was so carefree, so innocent the sort of person who didn't need to worry about her "health schedule" when she was making plans because she already knew she didn't have any doctor appointments, the girl who didn't dictate plans by her "meds schedule". Then I realized though that people unless they are effected with the condition/disease in a personal way, they really put it out of sight out of mind. I was always sort of insulted, when people said with disgust in their voice, "You don't know about a disease unless someone close to you is effected with it." But then I realized that yes while that does seem sort of accusatory it's really true. I never thought about kids getting cancer, or kids born with this or that, I didn't think there was anything wrong with me, until I was 15. But now that I'm an adult, in the world, answering for myself, loving my life, but NO not doing what I wanted and thought I would be doing now, yes I do have what if moments, and I ask myself, "What if things had gone differently", but then again doesn't everyone? "What would I be like today?" Of course, I try not to have them all the time, because let's face it that would just be way too depressing, but I think as a young child, you have this amazed view of what it's like to be an adult, and you have these sometimes unbelievable goals for yourself, I remember, I told my parents when I was 5 years old, that I was going to be the one to find the cure for cancer. And yes I truly did believe that, and also that I thought being an adult was being able to buy gum whenever you wanted and not have to ask anyone. How wrong was I?
I don't like to say, "Why me", because I learned very early on that it doesn't do anything except use the valuable energy that you've been gathering all day, and use it on something you can't change. I said this to a friend who's probably reading this right now lol, and she said yeah but sometimes it's good to say it, and I guess I will agree to disagree :-). I do see the benefit in just getting it off your chest, and trust me I do that a lot more than people seem to think. And I do value everyone's opinions, I do, and I love my friend lol, I've bounced a lot of things off of her over the years, and she was there with me when I was the sickest, and she's still with me now even though we are far apart, and I can't thank her enough for her friendship. Thank you Lizabeth Riggs, thank you for being there, even though you weren't "there". You were there when I thought I was going to die, to say No you're not, you were there when I had the stroke to say I know you can do this, when I couldn't tell myself that because I couldn't speak. And for this I'll never be able to adequately express my gratitude! Even during my freak outs... I just don't see a point in venting out loud if you're ultimately not going to be able to do anything about it. I tried doing that, and I got nothing out of it, mostly because the people I would freak out to would be sitting there like a deer in the headlights, right after I just unloaded on them, with that look of fear on their faces, that look of, "Uh Oh what am I supposed to say, I need to say something? Should I agree with her? No that's too easy, but I can't disagree, oh no and then they just keep staring lol. And so when I got sort of what I thought was depressed, about it, I didn't like that feeling, and so I chose to look at it as I was given the ultimate opportunity, I was given the change to relearn everything I learned as a baby, but learn it through the eyes of a teenager. It's truly amazing seeing the things you take for granted everyday, and the admiration for yourself when you're able to relearn them and I'm still amazing myself, with my recovery, and the things I've been able to relearn and I know that despite the things Dr's tell me all the time, that my recovery isn't over yet, it can never be over.
I've always had mixed feelings about the past. In one way, I'm  upset that I didn't get to do all the things I wanted, but looking back on it, I think, who would I be if the past didn't happen the way it has? They say you can't miss what you never have, so I guess I wouldn't know one way or the other, but, I still always have that thought in the back of my head. I always told myself from the time I was tiny, that I wanted to witness a miracle, but maybe I've been seeing one all along. The very fact that we take a breath every second or so is a miracle in itself. It's just so instinctual to do so that we never think about it, but it is. It means that we have been chosen to live through another breath. Think about how many people just took their final breath? And we were chosen to live through another one. We are the lucky ones guys! So even though I feel bad about myself sometimes, I've realized in recent years, that I have so much more to be thankful about than I do to be upset about! The simple fact that I'm alive after all I've been through is over looked by so many people, myself included, but that doesn't mean that every once and a while I don't stop and think to myself, "Darn, I'm still here..." And then look up at the sky, and say,"Thanks big guy". Because he chose me out of millions of people to live through another breath.

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