Dear 17
year old Kimi,
Where are you? Certainly not where you remember being 24 hours ago. You’ve
switched rooms and yes you are correct, time has definitely passed. I know you
have tons of questions. So I will try and go over the gist of it all. You are
now in the Pediatric Cardiac ICU. And the first thing I want you to embrace is
the fact that you’re alive, because unfortunately, you’re not going to like the
rest of this explanation. I know last time you checked you were on Comer 5, in
terrible pain screaming. Why did you move, you ask? Because when your shunt
malfunctioned yesterday, that’s A. why you were screaming, talk about
painful your ICP was probably approaching 35(Normal is around 15 but you
unfortunately can only handle a maximum of 10 so 35 is waaaaay too high; and
for those of you reading just imagine overfilling a water balloon), and B. that
Dr. that you admired, had to make a split second decision, one that you, one
day, months down the road, will say ruined your life, but I will lead you to
the light again, don’t worry, but that decision he made didn’t come without
consequences.
The reason you can’t speak and can barely walk, is because
you suffered a stroke during the surgery. I know, I just saw our eyes get wide,
too. But you will be ok! You’re going to have some rough days ahead as I’m sure
you guessed. The worst of them coming in 5 days. No one could have ever
guessed, but your shunt that was just placed in your lower spinal column, (I
know you’re thinking an LP shunt what!? They couldn’t put one in your
head right now, it would have been waaay too dangerous) will malfunction, you
will get chemical meningitis from the hemorrhage, and your mental status will
go down, down, down in literally a matter of 30 seconds, and it will take your
mom practically grabbing the PCICU Dr.’s arm to come in and see you. But just
keep your eyes on that corner of your room where your TV is, that’s where I’ll
be. When Dr. Morgan(name changed for confidentiality in case she ever finds my
blog and wants revenge) finally does come in, she will turn white as a ghost,
grab your bed, and get you down to CT, faster than you could have ever imagined
considering its 4 floors away. I know this sounds bad, and
trust me, you will have the doctors on the edge of their seats for a long time,
but you remember what I told you? Nothing comes with no reward; it will take a
while to see it’s there, but once you realize it is, you will never let it go.
When you finally come home, some three and a half weeks from now, you will be
tired. No that’s an understatement, you basically will turn into a bear in the
wintertime. You will sleep literally probably 14-16 hours a day. That’s because
your brain is searching for a way to escape the pain of recovery, not to
mention trying to heal itself and the rest of your body that was paralyzed. You
will become depressed. You won’t know it, but you will become so obsessed with
getting “back to normal” you forget who you are in the process. You will become
like a robot. Just waking up, going to therapy, coming home, sleeping, eating
dinner, and going back to bed. You will have some nights where you cry yourself
to sleep.
You will spend the next year, in and out of the hospital; literally every
month. The words “Weren’t you just here” mean nothing to you because you’ve
heard them too much. You will give your IV poles names, race them down the
halls with other kids, and make best friends with “the girls” (nurses) on Comer
5 and 6, friendships you keep even today. You will become a mystery to some of the
brightest minds in the country. You will know what the voice in the elevator is
going to say before she says it, you will know that when you get to the 5th floor you will see Eleanor the
elephant with the pink polka dotted bathing suit and the ice cream sundae
umbrella. I know when you go to the 6th floor you will see the Rube Goldberg
machine. And you will always always always remember to say goodbye to remoc in the lobby! You will know every inch of that hospital. You will even get the
nurses to turn off your “Hugs Tag” for 3 hours so your mom to take you on a
tour of U of C campuses. So it won’t be all bad.
h
But the most important things you will gain through all of this, are gratitude
and empathy. You will know truly what it means to say thank you because you
have to say it to the man who has saved your life more than once, but also you
will learn the power of forgiveness, because your faith in the man with whom
you entrusted your life, will diminish before your very eyes as you learn more
about that procedure he “just had to do” and how this “procedure” almost took
your life, while at the same time saved it. You will question everything you
stand for and believe in. I’m not lying this will bring you to your knees. But
don’t worry, everyone, even the bravest of people asks why once in their life.
And if they say they don’t they’re lying trust me. I know it sounds like
I’m giving you nothing but bad news, but remember, tough roads almost always
lead to beautiful destinations. All you need is a little patience.
When you go home, you will wonder, “What’s the point,” A LOT, while your
parents try to do therapeutic things with you before therapy starts. You
will wonder where’s the old me, but you will eventually tolerate the new me,
and eventually embrace it, I promise. You will feel like giving up. Until you
meet your angel. Her name is Robin and she is the best therapy anyone could
ever give you. She will be your saving grace. The angel you didn’t even know
you were begging God for. She will be the one to show you how lucky you are,
despite you devastating circumstances. She will be the one to make you look
around at your life and see how fortunate you have been, through her own
experiences. And she thought the exact same way about you. In fact she told you
one day she thought you were the angel that God sent to her at just the time
when she felt like her entire life was crumbling in around her.
As the days go past, it becomes clear to you that none of this is going to
change. You are forever going to have chronic pain, because of the surgeries
that have passed, and the surgeries yet to come. And yes you will have more
surprises. But the real beauty comes into the woman you will grow to be. You
will grow to be even more forgiving than you know, and more knowledgeable than
the residents working on you. What they say to you will have you rolling your
eyes. Especially when one of them says, “Oh I don’t know what they’re doing on
you today, I’m just watching, and maybe helping a little.” But you will enjoy
helping theses residents through their residency, and you will enjoy seeing the
lowly little residents, standing in back of the Big Bad senior resident in the morning,
grow into that role themselves. And you know exactly who I am talking about.
It’s the guy you continuously tell your mom you “don’t like.” It’s been an
amazing privilege to be his crash dummy and you know I’m right.
Kimi, I know like 10 years seems like forever, but in the same way feels like
it happened yesterday. I know better than anyone how your dreams for your
career were crushed. I know that you feel defeated each time you go “in” and
hear you have to have yet another surgery. I know it all. Just keep going.
You’re doing everything right. <3
<3
always,
Your
guardian angel
