How do you go on when
it feels like everything that made you- you is taken away? How do you begin to
rebuild yourself? Not really knowing if you like the same things, or even if
you're able to do the same things anymore? Well number one is, if you're
stubborn, you learn very quickly that being stubborn isn't allowed. Or else
you'll never get anything done. Number two is you HAVE TO be flexible, and
forgiving. You're not going to be able to do the exact same things you did
before the same way you used to, and the sooner you accept that, the easier recovery
is going to be for you.
The way I had been living my life up until this point, usually I
don't talk about because even though I was living it the same way as any normal
teenager, I don't always like to admit what that entails, because a lot of the
times it includes a couple of somewhat negative adjectives; engrossed in
yourself; only worrying about yourself, it's basically all me, me, me and if I
help someone on the way, that's another point for me as well. Now, I want to
say up front, that I wasn't always like this, but even when you make a
conscious effort to not be like that, you're a teenager, there are bound to be
slip ups. Right after everything happened, I don't really know if I even
realized the enormity of it. Or maybe I did, but I refused to acknowledge
it, because it felt like all my dreams were out the window. I think this was
part of the reason, so many people saw my personality sort of retract. I was so
confused. I felt the "same" on the inside, but I felt like every time
I looked in the mirror, no matter how much I squinted, I could never completely
see, but another thing that I think drastically impacted the way I recovered,
was the fact that I never really struggled with anything before, to the point
where I couldn't do it. Usually if something was hard, I would just do it a
couple of times and then it would be easy. But after everything happened,
everything seemed like it was a thousand miles away, and I was on foot. So it
always seemed impossibly far to get to, if I was even going to be able to do if
I got there anyway.
Some people don't know this about me, but when it comes to certain
things, I'm extremely stubborn. And this was even before my brain injury. But I
think when you have a brain injury no matter how severe it is, you almost have
to be stubborn. Because your therapists are going to use that to your
advantage, whether you realize it or not. And trust me, it drives you crazy. I
remember in OT, my therapist would dump out a bucket of coins, and say pick
them all up with your right hand. I would pick them up with my right hand while
she was looking at me, but as soon as she got up or looked the other way, I
would pick up a handful with my left hand. I knew I would gain nothing from
doing that, but I wanted to be done with it, partially because my hand was
getting really tired. I knew you could get by in life using one hand. It wasn't
ideal by any stretch of the imagination, but it was possible. You couldn't get
by not talking, or only walking on one leg. So I knew those would come in time.
Maybe it was my way of telling myself I had control over my situation? I'm not
really sure.
When I got back into my "once normal" routine, I tried
going back to the way I lived before. I very quickly realized that if I did
that, I would end up mercilessly disappointed. But I couldn't begin to imagine how
I could rebuild my life that had just crumbled before my eyes. I had no
idea where to start. I didn't even know how to describe my personality, so
where would I start in rebuilding it? It was like I was straddling an invisible
line, but instead, of choosing one side of it, I tried to walk it like a
tightrope. and Yes, I did figuratively fall a lot. Because of one mistake,
every monumental decision in my life was morphed into a metaphorical version of
Russian Roulette, or at least that was what it felt like. I never realized how
hard it would be to essentially "become someone else," or at least
that's what it felt like. It felt as if I was just limping through life, with
no rule book, trying to become George Washington if I had never heard of him,
or anything he did in his life. It's like a theme song for a television show
that you've been watching your entire life, you finally know all the words, all
the pictures on the tv that goes with each of the words, and suddenly they
decide to change the theme song 6 seasons in, AND THE PICTURES. You just think,
"is this right, because it feels wrong."
You have to change your ideals, and what you deem as
"normal" and not normal. But it's so hard, when you've been doing
something one way, for so long and now you have to change every bit of your
life, seemingly. You don't want to change what you 're doing when you know that
changing what you're doing means that something bad happened to you. It's like every
step you take, every word you say, is like reminding you of that horrible
night. But you have to turn it into something good.
Just because I had to change the song of my life, doesn't mean I
like either life more. And I have said this in other entries, if I had my
ultimate wish, I wish I could put my sick life together in a bag with my once
healthy life, and shake it up and take what is mixed, but I can't. I'm
thankful for my sick life for the things I was taught, forcibly, but never the
less, learned and now I love that I know the things I know. Some of those
decisions, were snap, decisions, because we didn't have time, because my life
was in danger, some things, I had a week plus to discuss with myself, over what
is the right decision. Yes, the lyrics to my song look a little different than
they used to, but isn't that what is supposed to happen? I don't look the same
as I did when I was five for a reason. Because I'm older and I've been through
a lot.
But after years of seeing a stranger
when I looked in the mirror, I’m finally beginning to see it was ME all along.
My illness may be invisible, but I can assure you I am not. I’m not healthy,
but I’m living in spite of it. I’m the girl who chose to LIVE life in every
sense of the word, with these life altering illnesses. People need to know that
I’m not upset, I’m not bitter about what these illnesses have done to my body.
Have they changed me? Yes. Have they taken things away from me? Yes, but I’m
not going to snap my fingers and have them all come back. And I slowly realized
that I’m not upset about having these illnesses, was I upset because of what
they did to me? At first yes. But as time has gone on, I’ve opened up my heart
more and realized when I did that, I opened everything. And became so much
happier. I can finally say, I can look in the mirror, and not only do I
recognize who I see now, I’m proud of her. And my new life song is
better than the old one! #IChooseLife #WillisClan #CheckItOutIfYouHavent
