Hi folks, it's that time of year again! Wow! In some ways I can't believe it, and in other ways it feels as though the past couple of years have just been scraping by for different reasons of course. But I had mentioned right after quarantine started, that it wasn't a huge deal for me, the safety measures that were being taken, quarantine etc, and at the time it was 110 % true. But I will admit as the days have gone on and Corona has clearly shown us that it isn't going anywhere, it has gotten to be a little much. When Corona first started, and everyone was going crazy, buying toilet paper (really guys) and stock piling foods, I didn't take it seriously. it wasn't until I got Corona and had to really go into quarantine, in my own apartment, (literally couldn't leave my room) that I realized why everyone was so afraid of this virus. but anyway, that's not what this post is about; well it sort of is...…
I can't believe it's been so long. I've been writing about for an eternity it feels like(wow the past 5 years, that's meant to be a facetious comment haha). Last year I did 14 things I've learned for 14 years. And no lie I was amazed that I came up with all 14. As I look back on these past 15 years, a flood of emotions hit me like a tidal wave on Lake Michigan. Cold, and unexpected.(well sort of) In very recent years it's not sadness the feeling that automatically came with this date for so long. So many people in the medical community said it would be a miracle if I ever did X, whether that was graduating from high school, going to a four year university, and graduating that university. I felt like their inability to see what I saw that I was capable of sort of pushed me forward in a way.
I was on the youngish side when I got sick. And so quite honestly I didn’t really know how to “give up” especially on myself, it just never really crossed my mind. I think that giving up is very much a learned quality that is built on many years of hardship that unfortunately, we all have to go through at some point in our lives. But as kids, young teenagers I didn’t really want to give in and with all the professionals all around me telling me that it was possible to get back to where I was pre-stroke just made me try even harder. I didn’t want to say ok you win. I couldn’t; not if I was going to achieve my dream of graduating with my class. Giving up, or giving in was something I had never done before, and for that reason I’m so glad that I got sick/had the stroke when I did. I wouldn’t say no to my physical therapist when she asked me to do a complete set of bicep curls, or shoulder squeezes, all I knew was what I was constantly being told. That if I did the therapy religiously I would be better, in a year, so I think you can understand how crushed I was when it didn’t turn out that way. Honestly I didn’t know what I was thinking. You’re not suddenly 100% a year later no matter how much therapy you do(especially if you have as many complications as I had).
A majority of the people who have strokes in their lives, are up there in age. That's no secret. But what if I told you that behind that tear stained face there was a silver lining? I can't imagine the person I would be today if the past 15 years didn't happen the way they did. But I don't always want that to be a 100% positive statement either. Yes I have a good attitude about this now, but yes there are also certain things that I wish didn't happen, or happened differently.
I literally feel cliché saying this, but having a stroke changed my life. Clearly; waking up and not being able to communicate and/or use the entire right side of your body will change your life in more ways than one, but you decide if that change is going to be positive or negative. Having the stroke when I did, made me step back and almost look at my life with a birds eye view. It was literally almost like I was watching myself do everything. You would be surprised what happens when you step back and are able to visualize your own life. I wouldn't exactly say I recommend it, but sometimes you have to do it, for your own sake. For me it only happened after that tragic event, so in that way I don't recommend. I saw the new way I had to do things, and almost gave myself permission to do it in that way. And it was so incredibly freeing, but that doesn't mean I wasn't bending over backwards to get myself to where I was on April 6 2006. But by giving myself "permission" to change the way I did basically everything, was so much more liberating than I thought it would be.
Having a stroke and having so many things taken away from you that once you were able to do seemingly effortlessly, definitely humbles you. I used to do pretty much everything by myself, and suddenly l couldn't even go to the bathroom by myself. I could barely say a sentence without practicing it in my head for 5 minutes; and then it still would come out only half right. It wasn't until this point in my life that I had a real "life challenge". And suddenly I was literally locked in. I could talk; yes, but I was so afraid because I didn't even know what a stroke was really. I didn't realize that it could disrupt your life this much, and take this much of your world away from you. But it was during this time, that I was able to discern what was really important in my life. It unknowingly forced me to slow down and enjoy my life and the things I could still do. After I learned that people die from strokes, are never able to walk or talk again, or are left permanently disabled, made me so unbelievably humbled and grateful. In those two weeks I was in the hospital after I had the stroke and another shunt revision, I learned how to walk again, and regulate my breathing enough that I could speak; and I was so close to being able to open my hand unassisted. For anyone who doesn't know, I'm in physical therapy right now for an injury that my PT thinks stemmed from the stroke and thus my poor posture. When I walked in there for the first time I felt a flood of emotions. I told myself, I was never going to see the inside of a PT studio again, and yet here I was. But hopefully I won't be there too much longer fingers crossed.
So today I challenge you, to notice the beautiful simplicities of life. How your hand just falls at your side, after you scratch an itch on your face, how you can have a conversation and your words just flow freely without even thinking about them, or even how you can walk across a room without even comprehending what muscles in your body just enabled it to do. The stroke forced me to live life this way, and notice all of these things, especially when I couldn't do them anymore; and I'm so happy I did. Try it. You won't regret it. I'm so happy to say I can finally look at the date April 7 and not think oh but what if, things were supposed to be different. I just think about the wonderful things I'm going to discover today.
