19 years. So Much to Catch You Up On.

• She didn't know it yet her last year as a "child" was going to be her hardest year yet. 
• She didn't know if the person she saw in the mirror on April 6, 2006, would ever return.
• She didn't know it yet, but this year was the last year she would play piano at an IHSA Division 1 level.
• She didn't know it yet, but she will lean on her family so much in the years ahead. 
• She didn't know it yet, but soon she will question everything she does. From the tiny things in life, to the enormous things.
• She didn't know it yet, but in just 5 hours her doctor had eliminated every goal she had for herself, or so she thought.
• She didn't know it yet, but the next 5 years would test her strength in every sense. 
• She still has no idea exactly how sick she is, because being sick has become so normal to her.
• In the days to come, she realizes she is in for the fight of her life, and no matter how much she doesn't want to, no one will be able to fight this battle for her.
• She knew what a stroke was, but she had no idea it could make it to where you were literally locked inside your own body.
• She had a stroke. She cannot speak or walk. But to give you a spoiler, she doesn't let this keep her down for long. 
• She has no concept of the word grief in this instance, she has no idea what she should grieve, or how she should grieve. She is almost afraid to grieve, because to her grieving means it will never come back. And that scares her more than you will ever know.
• In some ways, I have learned to embrace the grief of the past 19 years by focusing on the good parts. I'm now looking at it with a completely new set of eyes. But this was something that took a loooong time to cultivate.
• She learned to embrace the hospital, because if she was there, there's nothing she can do about it. 
• She was told she should recover just fine, but a year and a half later, she was told the stark opposite. But she just took it in stride, because what else are you supposed to do.
• She made it through. And is now working her dream job, when so many important people in her life, told her she would never even graduate undergrad.

If I could go back, I would wrap my arms around that broken little girl and tell her she still had a beautiful life ahead. At the time I felt like my life was over, though. What I've learned over the past 19 years, is that life comes in ebs and flows. It's never one thing. The heartbreak, the healing, the sorrow, and the joy. They all somehow coexist. Since that hard April 7, 2006, I've had my setbacks, more surgeries, more infections, lost my one cheerleader I never could have fathomed losing. But in that same stretch of time, I've loved so hard, I've lived so hard. I've welcomed new friends and a new career. Somehow the hardest years have also held the most profound beauty. And I've learned that it's ok to carry both. You can hold grief and gratitude together. put them both in a backpack, and shake it up. And somehow you are living in the meantime. 

So if you are in a season of heartbreak, I hope you remember this: Life is beautiful, even when it doesn't feel that way yet. The light always finds a way back in. None of your plans are etched in stone. It's ok for one plan to become completely derailed. Maybe that was supposed to happen.

So how am I doing now? Better than ever. I'm working at Chicago Headache Center, as a Clinical Research Coordinator. I guess things do come full circle. And I have my guardian angel to thank for that.   I'm overseeing Chronic and Episodic migraine drug studies. Some may say, I made the best out of my situation. I say I won. For the first time in my life, I'm looking forward to next year, to see where I am then, and I can't wait to be able to tell you about it! 

I love you all. Thank you for accompanying me on this journey called life.